Sometimes I wonder why I feel like it is necessary to hide my emotions that are less than estatic from everyone. Is this a normal reaction... or is it just me?? I don't like for anyone to know that I feel hurt, angry, upset, sad, or stressed. These are all normal emotions that I think someone would have to be weird to not ever experience them but I tend to treat them as if me having these feelings is a flaw.
It is nice to have privacy about my emotions at times but in general I think always trying to put on a happy face is not healthy.... what do yall think?
Maybe I am worried about being judged and being told that what I feel is ridiculous... cause if I were to be told that it would just make me feel worse cause its the way I feel either way, you thinking that doesnt change the fact that I am _____ (insert emotion here)
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Scaredy cat!
I don't like to think of myself as a scaredy cat.... I'm pretty big on being a little bit of a daredevil... I'll try whatever (of course only things that don't go against my beliefs) basically my fears that I deal with on a normal basis consist of
-getting into trouble- I HATE it, getting pulled over by a cop, trouble with parents, leaders whatever I am scared of it
-disappointing people that I care about- This is huge for me- I know no one likes disappointing people that they care about but for me it’s more than that- to the point of I can attribute most of the decisions in my life to trying to do just the right thing so I wouldn't disappoint people.
Those are definitely deal-able though. On a not so normal basis I deal with my supreme fear of public speaking- I mean I don't even like to say grace at dinner- even if it’s only me and one other person I really hate it. I have always felt like I am just bad with words- on paper but especially speaking. When I was little I had to go to speech therapy and I don't know I just feel like I am a terrible speaker.
Who cares though right? There are plenty of jobs which involve no public speaking, it'll be fine. Wrong! While there are plenty of jobs that don’t involve public speaking, my calling is not one of those jobs.
*side note*Today in our pre-amped leaders meeting kam asked who is deathly scared of speaking and I raised my hand high! bret looked at me and laughed asking me why I would let him know that thinking that kam would then find a way to make me get over those fears but I wasn’t worried I have a strong enough will to get myself out of that one! BUT then he asked who has ever felt like they kinda wanted to speak (in context- preach) now if I were being honest my answer would be yes, but I whispered to bret that the answer was yes but letting kam know the combination of those two would be what would get me in trouble!
That seemed to open my mind up during worship and God seemed to use the opportunity to remind me of some things. Things like major parts of prophesies over my life that I straight up ignored, child-hood dreams, and words from Him that I kinda just laughed off like they were a joke. You see I have been complaining for years upon years about not knowing what I am called to do. Basically I have been an idiot! I was just too scared of my destiny to deal with it. I have always gone the complete opposite way because of how scared I was (and oh so AM) of the words God has given me over my life.
As super scary as this was to receive, it’s such a relief to finally understand. Now, where to go from here, and how to I topple my fear?
hmmm.... I think I might just for fun and as a learning experience try to make what I learned through this revelation into a message. That will take me much more than a bit of midnight rambling, but I will let yall know how it goes- I certainly don't promise I will post it but we will see how it turns out!
~sorry for the super long post, what can I say, that's what is on my heart, if you don't want to read then don't, I won't mind!~
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Time to catch up
lets go back in time 2 years.....
First off; If you would have asked me 2 years ago to give 1,000 different possibilities of where I would be in my life at this moment I don't think i would have even come close! At that time I seemed to have the general plans for my life scoped out... well kinda.... I didnt really know what i was going to major in but as much as that seemed like the biggest giant ever to me at the time I really had a good idea of what I wanted from life. I was in my last semester of IB which sucked and took a lot of work but made out for great prospects in my future. I also had a best friend that i didnt do ANYTHING without, a boyfriend who I was crazy about, a wonderful church where I was fed and served, acceptance letters from every college that i applied for and scholarships to go along with them. All i needed to do was to finish up IB, choose a college, graduate, go to school with all my IB hours, get a business or some other degree, get married, start job, have kids, possibly go to culinary school somewhere along the way, and grow old with the love of my life and our kids.....I had a plan you see, and i was one determined woman, nothing would deter me from making a way for myself, I didnt know what career God had in store for me but my path to get there was set. what could go wrong, right?!
yeahh not so much.... you see within the next year I lost basically all of that. my bestfriend and boyfriend were gone I was in a foreign land (and by that I mean i was in Waco Texas at baylor) I had no home church there and no car to get to one if i found it, i failed IB so no credits from there (not that it wasnt still a great experience.... yeah i know that but not getting that diploma still sucked big time!!! ) and I wasnt any closer on having an idea of what to major in.... I was doing okay at school but my passion wasnt really there, i was still working hard at school but it just wasnt the same. I felt like i was lost hurt and alone.
Just in the nick of time I joined Phi Lamb.... I finally found some good friends and I wasnt quite as alone. Those girls saved the year for me and I couldnt wait to get back to baylor and get into an apartment with friends. Unfortunately, starting out new relationships with friends takes a lot of time and though i was so happy to have friends again my passion still wasnt back, i still felt kinda lost and my grades took the brunt of that attack... I still did alright but it was going to take some work the next year to keep all of my scholarships... and even with those scholarships my debt was racking up fast... meanwhile i still had no clue what to do at school. It just became obvious that as much as i wanted to go back to baylor it just wasnt worth it financially.
Before I knew it I was attending TCC, living at home, trying to get a minimum wage job just to get by, trying to make new friends yet again, and yet still trying to figure out what God wants me to do with my life. I felt like an utter failure.... now now spare me the speech on how going to a county college doesnt have anything to do with failure and all that jazz I already knew that.... but knowing something and it being in your heart are two WAY different things! I never had any sort of thought that going to TCC was not honorable for anyone else it just wasnt what i was expecting for myself especially since I had already gone to a nice university for a year. my determination and passion not only didnt go back to normal but they severely plummeted. I felt like i had already failed and I sure fulfilled my own prophesy.... If you have payed attention to the time line this is now last semester... I basically missed some class then got behind then was so embarrassed at how far behind i had gotten that i really stopped going to class and was basically in a constant state of panic and fear of failure but the more i panicked the more helpless i felt. It was a nasty circle that didnt end up well for me grade wise.
This semester I am trying very desperately to turn things back around. Though I am finding out that getting my old good habits back is harder than i thought, especially with new obsticals and stresses like work and money. This is where I am now and my future blogs will deal much more with the here and now than this one did.
I did skip the part that I actually found a great group of friends in my fellow leaders at our jr high ministry at my church and that I was able to be close again to two old friends from high school. I feel very blessed to have these people in my life and I dont know where I would be without them.
*Disclaimer* I am not going to go through and try and analyze this or future blogs... im sure that many of my attitudes towards things did not come across the same as i feel but this blog is for me to get my thoughts out and I also do not have the time to worry about such things
also kudos to anyone who read all of my ramblings feel free to leave any thoughts that you might have
love always
Mags
First off; If you would have asked me 2 years ago to give 1,000 different possibilities of where I would be in my life at this moment I don't think i would have even come close! At that time I seemed to have the general plans for my life scoped out... well kinda.... I didnt really know what i was going to major in but as much as that seemed like the biggest giant ever to me at the time I really had a good idea of what I wanted from life. I was in my last semester of IB which sucked and took a lot of work but made out for great prospects in my future. I also had a best friend that i didnt do ANYTHING without, a boyfriend who I was crazy about, a wonderful church where I was fed and served, acceptance letters from every college that i applied for and scholarships to go along with them. All i needed to do was to finish up IB, choose a college, graduate, go to school with all my IB hours, get a business or some other degree, get married, start job, have kids, possibly go to culinary school somewhere along the way, and grow old with the love of my life and our kids.....I had a plan you see, and i was one determined woman, nothing would deter me from making a way for myself, I didnt know what career God had in store for me but my path to get there was set. what could go wrong, right?!
yeahh not so much.... you see within the next year I lost basically all of that. my bestfriend and boyfriend were gone I was in a foreign land (and by that I mean i was in Waco Texas at baylor) I had no home church there and no car to get to one if i found it, i failed IB so no credits from there (not that it wasnt still a great experience.... yeah i know that but not getting that diploma still sucked big time!!! ) and I wasnt any closer on having an idea of what to major in.... I was doing okay at school but my passion wasnt really there, i was still working hard at school but it just wasnt the same. I felt like i was lost hurt and alone.
Just in the nick of time I joined Phi Lamb.... I finally found some good friends and I wasnt quite as alone. Those girls saved the year for me and I couldnt wait to get back to baylor and get into an apartment with friends. Unfortunately, starting out new relationships with friends takes a lot of time and though i was so happy to have friends again my passion still wasnt back, i still felt kinda lost and my grades took the brunt of that attack... I still did alright but it was going to take some work the next year to keep all of my scholarships... and even with those scholarships my debt was racking up fast... meanwhile i still had no clue what to do at school. It just became obvious that as much as i wanted to go back to baylor it just wasnt worth it financially.
Before I knew it I was attending TCC, living at home, trying to get a minimum wage job just to get by, trying to make new friends yet again, and yet still trying to figure out what God wants me to do with my life. I felt like an utter failure.... now now spare me the speech on how going to a county college doesnt have anything to do with failure and all that jazz I already knew that.... but knowing something and it being in your heart are two WAY different things! I never had any sort of thought that going to TCC was not honorable for anyone else it just wasnt what i was expecting for myself especially since I had already gone to a nice university for a year. my determination and passion not only didnt go back to normal but they severely plummeted. I felt like i had already failed and I sure fulfilled my own prophesy.... If you have payed attention to the time line this is now last semester... I basically missed some class then got behind then was so embarrassed at how far behind i had gotten that i really stopped going to class and was basically in a constant state of panic and fear of failure but the more i panicked the more helpless i felt. It was a nasty circle that didnt end up well for me grade wise.
This semester I am trying very desperately to turn things back around. Though I am finding out that getting my old good habits back is harder than i thought, especially with new obsticals and stresses like work and money. This is where I am now and my future blogs will deal much more with the here and now than this one did.
I did skip the part that I actually found a great group of friends in my fellow leaders at our jr high ministry at my church and that I was able to be close again to two old friends from high school. I feel very blessed to have these people in my life and I dont know where I would be without them.
*Disclaimer* I am not going to go through and try and analyze this or future blogs... im sure that many of my attitudes towards things did not come across the same as i feel but this blog is for me to get my thoughts out and I also do not have the time to worry about such things
also kudos to anyone who read all of my ramblings feel free to leave any thoughts that you might have
love always
Mags
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